My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's official drugs can't kill me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
