Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
