I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
