ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
