so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
