why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This house was built for laser tag.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
