I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
