Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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