so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
