Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
