did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
