i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
