I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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