she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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