Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
