Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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