It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
