Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
