Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
