So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
