Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
