VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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