the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
