I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
