we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
