Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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