I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
