wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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