Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
