I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
