i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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