There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
