Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
