So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
