I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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