They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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