giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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