Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
