Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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