I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
