She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
