i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
