Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
