so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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