His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
