Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They have beer where we have blood.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
