I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
