She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
