How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
