I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
