Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
