I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
